So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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