Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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