What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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