eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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