In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
