We're like a lot better than the average bears
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
