I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
