WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
