rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
