hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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