I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
