Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just tell him i said nine months
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
