you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
