Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
