shes about as inviting as chlamydia
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
