Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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