your parents love me but you hate me
she told me i tasted like america
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
