Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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