Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
