dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
