Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
