just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Found your dick twin last night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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