my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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