it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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