I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
