I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need moral support for this bender
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
