New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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