Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
