nut hugger
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
