i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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