I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
