i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
