I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
