My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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