Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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