Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
