The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
