I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
