omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
