you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
