Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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