Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
