It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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