wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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