Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
