I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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