I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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