"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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