i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
