Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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