I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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