next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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