Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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